Thursday, 5 February 2015

So Lets Get Real...

Hi guys, so today I decided that we needed to get real for a bit. This wasn't the type of post I wanted to post on my blog but this is meant to be my personal stuff and my life so I decided that I had to share this. So like I said in my last post I have gone away for a bit, by this I meant I've left my home town, not for long, just a week or so. The purpose which most people think is not for a holiday but is for what I'm going to share with you now.

Since I was diagnosed with bipolar, schizophrenia and depression I have completely lost myself in my opinion. Hearing those words still really confuses me because I now realise that these problems have been there my whole life and I thought they were just normal things that everyone gets. This is so hard to explain so I'll just give you some examples. When I get upset no matter what it be that's hurt me, it can be physical or emotional. I don't just cry but I scream, I really cry hysterically until I cannot talk or anything. I honestly thought this was a normal thing, that I was just a dramatic person and I know now that I was so silly thinking that. Another thing is that I see things. I can be stood in the kitchen making a sandwich or something and I will see like an arm or a shadow of a person behind me when there is nothing there, if I see shadows that look scary to me I will get so scared to the point where I want to run away. I also thought this was just normal because this is something that I've dealt with all my life and all children get scared of shadows, don't they? So I just never told anyone. When I was very young, maybe 5? According to my mum I used to stand and talk to 'the man in the corner' as I called it and I know this all sounds crazy, especially this but too this day I know what he looks like, this imaginary person that I used to talk to when I was five is embedded in my head and that scares me. My last example is that when I was around 7 I started to hear voices when I was lying in bed at night and they would tell me things. Once again, as a 7 year old I didn't think anything of it, I would just shout at them to go away and they did.

So lets talk about the past year up to present day. I started to hear voices again but this time they wouldn't go away and of course this time they were telling me more serious things and I've never considered myself a very angry person but these things that were happening to me were making me want to destroy things and making me feel very uncomfortable around people. This was happening to the point where even if Alex just pocked me, I wanted to just hurt him until he couldn't touch me anymore. Just interrupting myself but I have never gave into myself and actually hurt him, I have always found it in me to stop myself from hurting anything or anyone. Obviously for a relationship this was very hard, a few weeks later I started to get very paranoid about him which once again really effected us, I got to the point where I was so paranoid about him cheating on me that I went through his phone, searching every app, every possible place he could of been talking to someone and unfortunately he was. This destroyed me for weeks obviously but it hurt me a lot more that it would a normal person. I would spend hours just lying in bed staring at nothing, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I couldn't even look at my own daughter without wanting to cry. Thankfully I finally got some closure when I spoke to this person and she explained what had gone one and it turned out I had worked myself up so much for nothing but because I had done this to him, it left us in a difficult place to this day. I don't really know what I'm doing or what he wants so this is why I'm taking this time away to try and clear my head and sort myself out because I want things with Alex to be how they were when we got together 2 years ago.

So guys I'm really sorry for this boring post but I just needed to share this, not only for myself but for people with similar issues, you are not alone.

                                                            Kira xx

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